The Final Wait is Over . . .
Sadnessby Wallace Stevens
Call the roller of big cigars,
The muscular one, and bid him whip
In kitchen cups concupiscent curds.
Let the wenches dawdle in such dress
As they are used to wear, and let the boys
Bring flowers in last month's newspapers.
Let be be finale of seem.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.
Take from the dresser of deal,
Lacking the three glass knobs, that sheet
On which she embroidered fantails once
And spread it so as to cover her face.
If her horny feet protrude, they come
To show how cold she is, and dumb.
Let the lamp affix its beam.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.
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I would like to thank all of you for your kind comments and your condolences.
My mother passed away yesterday afternoon at 4:00 p.m. Since my last journal entry, I've watched her suffer horribly. She labored fiercely to simply breathe and suffered several panic attacks when she wasn't able to adequately. It was an emotional, psychological roller coaster ride for my entire family.
Her last lucid word was, "home." Since there was nothing more that could be done, arrangements were made to have her transported home. A health agency was called and she was home for only two hours when she finally died. It seems that she knew when her final wish had been granted.
I'm dealing with some guilt issues regarding my seemingly unsympathetic incapability to cry. I've rationalized it by saying she's no longer suffering, but I can't shake the feeling that it's somehow self-centered, but I am mourning inside.
I'm also trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm the patriarch of my family now. All of the previous generations of my family are gone. It's a sobering responsibility to have thrust upon me, and more so when I stop to consider that, if everything goes RIGHT, I am next in line. I hope to lead a long and meaningful life until that time.
I hope things get better for you and your family! I'm glad you're back 
Devious Comments
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Dr. Twistids Realm of Madness
Poke it with a stick and watch it twitch
As they say, everyone grieves in their own way. You might not cry now, but you might later. It's all happened so fast, that you might have not caught up 'reaction-wise'. My mother didn't cry when her parents passed away, because that's just not what she does. I've never seen her cry, actually. As you said, you're trying to cope with a passing of someone very important to you, and the fact that you are now head of the family. That's a lot to deal with. Try not to worry any longer, and try to remember what a wonderful mother she was, and how you will carry her in your heart for the rest of your life.
As the person above said, my thoughts are with you.
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Don't worry about not crying. You went through a rough time watching her die and watching her suffer in the process. I hate to say it, but I think death was a better option for her than to continue suffering, and you knew that. You've also got a lot of responsibility now, and you're taking it like a real man. Sure, you'll miss your mom; she was your mom. But you need not cry.
I've also received news of several people I knew passing away this week. Seems like a funeral marathon... One of them died in the hospital from bed sores getting infected... ...and that was due to neglect. The other just died suddenly of a severe heart attack. Both of these people were in their 60's... A little young, and definitely unprepared to die, methinks.
Anyway... Chin up, you know she no longer suffers.
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I'm awkward. Deal with it.
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I have close my eyes, I am now blind to your evil doings go forth and kill each other leave this dying world for ever more, so die and leave us in blistful peace. Heaven or Hell I hope we will meet then my dragon rage is you will see. BDE
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Don't follow the crowd be unique be you!
my other account :iconAi-Chihuahua:
You shouldn't feel guilty about your emotions, or lack there of.
Everyone handles loss differently, and it would be wrong for
yourself and others to judge your emotions.
Your feelings are not selfish. Had your prolonged her suffering
then that would haven been "selfish"
take care, my friend...
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Surgically removed myself from myself with 83% success
I wish I could say more, but the words aren't coming. I'm just so sorry.
Don't worry about your current inability to cry. There's a nuance to every situation and person's reaction thereof. Tears (and their time of appearance) don't measure your grief, I'm sure you know. This is so much to handle as it is.
I hope you take care of yourself. I'll be here, friend.
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I have no idea what I'm talking about.
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We can turn beans into peas!!
No one's going to be coming to you for "favors"..so you can lighten your mental load by chucking that illusory responsibility out the window.
( you may get asked to co-sign a loan from some younger member of the family and you will probably get more Nigerian scam emails now....but the whole Moses thing aint gonna happen )
I know in my case it was quite a letdown.
Your final time with mom sounds pretty similar to mine, except for the home part...
For most people in advancing years the soul marinates as a natural process in a stew of stoicism, preparedness, insuperableness, and a pinch of apathy that easily dries up tear ducts.
Sometime in the future you may have a few periodical moments of grief, of loss from a youthful view, but the marinate will grab you right back like a Goa'uld re-grabbing control away form it's human host.
Remember the good times my friend, ...it's all we can do.
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